The Serotonin Shuffle

When anxiety and depression battle for dominance, the only loser is the host. They both win. They trade off minute by minute and at the end of the day I can declare if it was depression or anxiety that was at the helm most of the time. I am getting better at looking functional, I think. Taking a half dose of anxiety medication in the morning and another at night is keeping the debilitating attacks at bay. I finally got more CBD oil and it has helped, minimally, with anxiety, depressive episode duration and function during both.

Its harder to write during depression days, and I feel like the words don’t flow as easily, they aren’t as pretty. It doesn’t feel like art, it doesn’t feel helpful, but it feels more necessary than ever to do.

I always wish to trade whichever type of day it is for the other, but it is so wearing. Anxiety used to be mania and I was hyper functional and I didn’t sleep and I got every little chore done- and I had something to show for my brain malfunction. It has been about seven years since it worked that way. Now I am trading debilitating depression for debilitating panic. Is depression better? It can be full body, it often is, it is sometimes impossible to get moving. Panic attacks are half physical every time so I go down trying to control the physical symptoms. I guess using probability that depression will let me keep moving, it is possibly better than…